I Listened to Playboi Carti's Album So You Don't Have To

He is music and I am old.

To say that I’m not a Playboi Carti fan would be a misnomer. I don’t even really know what his music sounds like. I kinda liked the song Magnolia that he dropped back when he used to look like Amine but a lot of time has passed and his careeer has evolved. He is a whole other person now and apparently that person is MUSIC.

Magnolia was a cool song. The beat was fun and I understood some of the points of style references lyrically. He’s down with ASAP Rocky’s crew and that guy really knows how to make a visual so the video was fun to look at. It had a frenetic energy to it which was definitely a sign of things to come.

Well that was 7 years ago and in the time since i have completely lost the thread of his music. I do know that he drops pretty infrequently and has a rabid cult like following. His image has gotten darker and more vamp-ish (as in vampire see my previous post about Jim Jone’s being a Vampire Meteorologist.)

He has become a sort of style icon and has a crew of young artists called Opium and it consists of Ken Carson, Destroy Lonely and Homicide Gang? I don’t know any of their stuff and frankly don’t think I want to. I honestly don’t want to listen to this new album but it’s the big release of the week so I figured why not use it to reboot this series because I am assuming that you probably don’t want to listen to this album either. I am your morbid curiosity.

His new album is called I AM MUSIC and it has a few features on it but most notable is three Kendrick Lamar features. That will get me in the door for sure but will Future, The Weeknd, Lil Uzi and the others hold my attention? I can’t say I fully enjoy their music but I am familiar with them so that gives me some contextual ground to stand on.

ARTWORK

The artwork for this album feels like one of those belts you’d get from Hot Topic that has fake bullets embedded into it.

I can’t say it’s an uninteresting cover but it definitely doesn’t make me want to press play. If anything I’d say it does the opposite.

TRACKS

Apparently this album took four years and has scrapped and changed titles a bunch in that time period. It has 30 songs and clocks in at 1 hour and 17 minutes. For the sake of my sanity I am giving myself 6 skips.

This is the person’s album I am listening to. Send help.

POP OUT

Prediction: It’s the album opener so it’s gotta be somewhat of a statement but I think it’s just your standard pop out and stunt on these hoes type of song.

Post Listen: This song sounds like someone doing construction work and he needs a cough drop. I think he is talking about when he shows up at places it’s pandemonium so i was kinda right. I can’t lie i kinda like this song! Not enough to play it again tho. There is a beat switch at the end and it feels like the sunsetting in a horror film.

CRUSH feat Travis Scott

Prediction: This song could be bout how Orange Crush soda is the mixer of choice for his lean but the Travis Scott feature makes me think it’s gonna but about actual romantic crushes.

Post Listen: I hate this synth sound. It’s annoying enough to be memorable. Oh god this song is awful. The chorus is interesting cus it sounds like a choir but none of the elements match. The song is 2.40 seconds and nobody raps until 2 minutes in LOL. Maybe I’ve been doing music all wrong. Was Travis Scott even there? I heard his adlib but nothing else.

K-POP

Prediction: This is a song about guns and more specifically AK-47’s.. I don’t see how it can be about anything else especially since no K-Pop artists are featured on the record.

Post Listen: This does not sound like K-POP but it ffeels like a more traditional Carti song. His voice sounds like Lil Yachty. I feel like he is a vocal chameleon cus his voice changes a lot. I do enjoy that much about his music.

EVIL.JORDAN

Prediction: I wish this was a song about the evil Jordan meme but I feel like it’s one of those songs where the title has nothing to do with the actual content. He does kinda look like the evil Jordan meme tho so who knows….

Tell me you don’t see the resemblance

Post Listen: I am staring at this photo while the song plays and it’s making it seem very dramatic. The intro is like 1 minute long and once the beat dropped i thought my CD was skipping and I’m not even playing a CD. There is rapping happening but I am bored. Knowing that Kendrick is coming on next is making me want to skip this song but I am holding out for later.

MOJO JOJO feat Kendrick Lamar

Prediction: Apparently this is a character from Power Puff Girls so maybe this is about how he looks like Mojo Jojo? But the Kendrick’s burner account on IG is also called JoJo Ruski so again… who knows. I just hope the chorus is funny at least.

Post Listen: Kendrick doing some adlibs early makes this kinda interesting but I’m not really into what’s happening. There are some fun sounds happening cus kendrick loves making weird noises but overall i just wish this was a baby keem song. Okay, this song sucks, worst of both worlds.

PHILLY feat Travis Scott

Prediction: This is a real curveball cus Lil Uzi Vert is also on the album somewhere and he’s actually from Philly so I am lost. I’m just gonna take a wild guess and say it’s a song about a woman from Philly, either that or it has some sort of Boyz II Men sample or something.

Post Listen: This sounds like a traditional travis scott song and I am not into his music so this makes me want to skip it. I do want to see what the title is about but… Okay yeah it’s about ‘bitches from different cities’ so I was right. I ended up dipping out before Carti’s verse cus I stopped caring during Travis’ SKIP (1)

RADAR

Prediction: I know that it’s kinda early but I can’t lie I kinda regret committing to this album now. This is legit hard cus what the hell would a song named Radar even be about? I wonder if it’s about Doppler’s weather system. Probably not but I genuinely have no idea this time.

Post Listen: This sounds triumphant and I can’t for the life of me figure out why Carti’s voice sounds like this. What does his speaking voice sound like? He sounds like the kid on Malcolm In The Middle. Oh shit his voice just changed mid song! I have no idea what radars have to do with any of this

RATHER LIE feat The Weeknd

Prediction: This is about groupies or opps. This song also seems like it would actually be kinda groovy on paper. Maybe it’ll be something that I actually like?

Post Listen: God I hate the Weeknd’s voice. This song feels like the closest thing to normal music I’ve heard so far. The song is about how they would rather lie to their women then lose them. This song is boring as fuck. I am actively forgetting it as i hear it… SKIP (2)

FINE SHIT

Prediction: OOH! I think I know this one. I recently found out that ‘shit’ is slang for romantic partner. So this song is about how fine a woman he is seeing is. I know this made me seem old as hell but guess what… I am kinda old and more than likely too old to enjoy this album

Post Listen: I was right. He said his bitch so bad she can’t even go outside or post. He also just told her to die? What the hell is going on here. Thank god this song is less than 2 minutes long.

BACKDOOR feat Kendrick Lamar

Prediction: I was gonna say this song was about butt stuff but then i saw Kendrick Lamar featured on it and decided it’s about running out the back door when the cops come.

Post Listen: This sounds just like the last song. Every time Kendrick pops up I wish that Carti was Baby Keem. The chorus got big words (décolleté) and harmonies cus of kendrick and the song is about women sneaking in the backdoor when they come to see him. This song is ultimately listenable but not really enjoyable.

TOXIC feat Skepta

Prediction: Skepta be rapping so I am kinda excited to hear this song. It’s gonna be about toxic women cus I don’t know if they’ll call themselves toxic but they might! I hope it samples Brittney Spears Toxic.

Post Listen: I don’t hear any Brittney Spears. I am disappointed. His voice changed again. The bass feels the same as his first song Milly Rock. Skepta can’t save this one for me.

MUNYUN

Prediction: Maybe it’s a song about the Minions and he misspelled their name? Maybe he has a new flavor of Funyun’s coming out? Maybe it’s about Runyon Canyon and he misspelled that? All i know is this is a pretty weird word and I have no idea what the kids are saying these days.

Post Listen: There has been a DJ hosting this album and talking on some tracks. he started this song off by saying “You’ve got to be living under a rock if you don’t know my voice, Swamp Izzo!” Which prompted me to move the rock I have been under to google him and sure enough he has a million followers! Man, the world is so big! At any rate I like the energy of this song they all kinda sound the same but i guess the 808’s are in a different key this time. This song makes me feel out of touch. They didn’t even tell us what a munyun is!

CRANK

Prediction: Maybe he saw the movie Crank and loved it so much that he named a song after it? Or it might be like an homage to Soulja Boy’s Crank Dat cus they are both from Atlanta.

Post Listen: His voice changes from song to song and on this song it changes from bar to bar. I don’t like this song at all but mostly cus I have no idea what is happening musically. I woulda skipped this if it didn’t end so soon.

CHARGE DEM HOES A FEE feat Future

Prediction: This is going to be a cutting expose into the world of Ticketmaster’s exorbitant service fees. I don’t really like Future’s music at all so I don’t think that I’m going to like this song.

Post Listen: Dunno if it was that last song but this album is exhausting. SKIP (3)

GOOD CREDIT feat Kendrick Lamar

Prediction: This is the Kendrick feature that most people are talking about so I have heard a few bars from it and I think I’ll enjoy it. I am excited to hear this one song and I am almost certain it won’t have anything to do with Experian.

Post Listen: I am pretty much just waiting to see what Kendrick does. Kendrick is doing what Kendrick does and the rapping/verse is pretty good but yet again I just wish this was a Baby Keem song lol. Okay I have to take a sanity break cus this album is draining me….

I am so glad I got to be around for rap music in the 80s.

I SEEEEE YOU BABY BOI

Prediction: I think the 6 E’s mean something. It’s gotta mean something right? Why did he spell boi that way? Maybe it’s about how if you spill water on your keypad the touch screen mistakes it for human touch and causes typos?

Post Listen: This is like hyper-pop and I would be marginally interested if it had a more interesting vocal on top of it. Yeah this title musta been a typo lol

WAKE UP F1LTHY feat Travis Scott

Prediction: This song is about going to a Diddy party or that time that Travis fell into a hole in the stage and made that really funny sound cus his vocals were being autotuned. I am sure Travis might have blacked out and woke up a little dirty from the fall.

Post Listen: These niggas are weird and boring. He said ‘fucked laflame and now she’s burnt’ which means he gave her a disease? I hate this song so much

*full disclosure: I had to go do a DJ gig and it is now approximately 12 hours later. my mood has shifted and i feel like I am torturing myself…. why did i decide to do THIS album?! Why are there still so many songs!?

JUMPIN feat Lil Uzi Vert

Prediction: Jumpin is slang that I definitely understand so I think this song is about a party or jumping into a mosh pit at their shows. I actually never undestood how people mosh at these shows. This music doesn’t really make me want to rage but I am also almost 50.

Post Listen: I have no idea what I just listened to and i refuse to sit through that again lol. It definitely feels like something that would start a mosh pit at rolling loud though so good job?

TRIM feat Future

Prediction: It’s a Future song so it will be about money or sex and trim means sex so it’s gonna be about sex. That’s pretty much the only thing that Future talks about which is a shame because future is such an expansive name to have such a short sighted range of topics.

Post Listen: hold up, future kinda spitting. Like if this was Kendrick I’d be into it. Okay I’m not mad at this so far but there is still a lot of song left. Carti is not a real person. I just want to see him in a session doing all these weird ass voices. That verse sounded like 4 different people. Apparently this usage of trim is some kinda new slang but sadly i can’t understand what Carti is saying so i don’t know what it means.

COCAINE NOSE

Prediction: Well hm… I don’t know if Carti raps about selling drugs but I do know his crew is named after Opium and he definitely does drugs so maybe this is a vulnerable song about how he really needs help with his coke problem? Or about how cocaine absolutely ruined his sinuses and now he just has constant post nasal drip and congestion? Does cocaine do that to you?

Post Listen: oh no. oh dear god no. this is probably the worst song i’ve heard so far and that’s a feat. It sounds like like distorted trap rock led by a hoarse zombie doing ASMR. SKIP (4)

this music is not for adults

WE NEED ALL DA VIBES feat Ty Dolla Sign & Young Thug

Prediction: I think I’m gonna like this song. I like Ty and Thug enough to be curious about how it sounds and I feel like it’s gonna be fun but not uplifting. What if it’s full of bad vibes?

Post Listen: After that last song we definitely need all da vibes and this song feels more like a traditional rap song. This is the thing that feels the most aligned with where radio is and if I heard it first I’d be so confused about everything else on this album. Carti is also barely on this song so it’s kinda just a young thug song? I might listen to this again. It’s like sage after that last thing

OLYMPIAN

Prediction: This song is about Micheal Phelps and how he smokes weed or Sha’Carri cus she also smokes weed. Really a missed opportunity to have a song with both Snoop and Flava Flav on it tho.

Post Listen: These 100 geccs ass hyper-pop beats are so hard to sit through. It just sounds like construction that’s the only way to describe it. Like if twas other sounds I might like it but this legit sounds like walking past a construction site or hearing a car that has a blown woofer drive past.

OPM BABY

Prediction: This will be the Opium posse cut and it will be hard to listen to. I feel like the word excruciating is a bit much but based on it being positioned at the 45 minute mark it’s gonna be hard not to skip.

Post Listen: finally a song with a sample. i think it’s gonna go left tho and i am scared. BLOWN WOOFER SUBS. man somebody take the plugins away from these YNs. the song just ended and i am sitting silently listening to the sounds of sirens and traffic passing because it’s way more soothing than whatever the fuck that was

TWIN TRIM feat Lil Uzi Vert

Prediction: This is part two of the Trim song that featured Future. I like the idea Lil Uzi Vert so I think I might like this song.

Post Listen: Okay a little less distortion on the subs and some actual melody. Uzi opens the track by saying “she can’t suck my dick i tell her just to suck my nuts” and the song is just him. it was more like an interlude. this album needs to end

LIKE WEEZY

Prediction: He really likes Lil Wayne and this song is about how he wants to be like him. It’s crazy to think that Wayne was once a kid rapper who didn’t curse in his songs. Wayne is probably his Rakim or something.

Post Listen: I would honestly like this song a little more if i hadn’t sat through TWENTY OTHER ONES. he says his watch makes him look like yeezy and he’s built like bieber and he spits on bitches like pac. The beat is okay the raps are lol.

DIS 1 GOT IT

Prediction: This song is about how all the ice cream machines in the city don’t work but he found one that actually works and has the limited edition McFlurry on the menu so he hit his homie like ‘Dis 1 Got It’

Post Listen: Molly’s Perci’s i feel so invincible…. I can’t do this SKIP (5)

WALK

Prediction: The name of this song is so ambiguous that it could be able literally anything. I hope it’s just him repeating the word walk for the entirety of the song. Either that or a remake of The Time’s song Walk but i sincerely doubt that it would be the latter.

Post Listen: I hate this and i only have one more skip left so I can’t go anywhere. it’s a short song so i’ll sit through it. Swamp Izzo said this feels like the end of the world and he has no idea how hard that hit home. please make this stop.

HBA

Prediction: This has something to do with the old clothing line Hood By Air. It used to be huge for a short window. Think Telfar but way more local. He gonna say he got vintage HBA gear as a flex.

Post Listen: my mind has stopped processing what I am hearing. I can’t force it to focus. I am just looking around the room thinking about all the other stuff i need to be doing instead of this. this is objectively bad and you’d have to be conditioned to like this by enjoying all the stuff that predated this. if this was the first and only rap music i ever heard i’d never listen again.

OVERLY

Prediction: I am almost done so I am getting kinda annoyed at the titles being so dumb but also he may have been kinda annoyed with naming songs so the 29th song might just have got the short end of the imagination stick. This song is about how the album is too long.

Post Listen: Why did we need 30 songs of this? I am so confused. I went into this so optimistic and now i am distraught. one. more. song. to. go….

SOUTH ATLANTA BABY

Prediction: I mean, self explanatory. It’s about Wayne Williams aka the Atlanta child murderer and how he ravaged south Atlanta in the 80s. The baby in the title is what gave this one away.

Post Listen: swamp izzo started this song off by saying we create our own genre and boy oh boy was he right. this album is probably a classic for the roblox niggas. this song feels semi regular but it’s becoming more distorted as it goes.

i think i get the gist and I just remembered I have one more skip left! SKIP (6)

OVERALL

I guess i like the fact that niggas can be weirdos too but I do not like this album at all. I’ve also never played roblox or fortnite and I only watch kai cenat when he does something that penetrates my sphere. There is no world in which you listen to this album and follow what’s happening in the news. this album is for people who need their parents to rent cars and own multiple nike tech suits.

I need an apology from myself for making me sit through this thing.

Please leave a comment to make me feel like this wasn’t a complete and utter waste of time. I really need the validation after sitting through this album. We can turn this post into a support group for survivors of I AM MUSIC or something.