I listened to Taylor Swift's album so that you don't have to.
The record review that no one asked for.
If you’re in Brooklyn on 2/15 me and Wyatt Cenac are doing Shouting At The Screen at Nitehawk’s Prospect Theater and our special guest for the evening is Michelle Buteau. Get your tickets here.
If you just want to hear some new music head over to Rec’s N Effect where you can listen to some new Black Milk, Karriem Riggins and Hit-Boy & Alchemist
This was my first year voting for the Grammy Awards and it made watching the show way more fun. The stakes were higher cus I was more invested. I feel like they got most of it right.
Before today I didn’t even know what the name of Taylor Swift’s album was. I am sure that I’d bumped into it before but I tend to block her out so probably it just didn’t register. For the record I am not a hater nor am I a Swiftie, I am just not interested in the whole of her story. I think it’s cool that she is rereleasing her old albums to spite her old management and that she takes streaming to task when she feels like it. I have enjoyed a song or vocal performance here and there but nothing has found it’s way into my listening habits. In a nutshell I like pop culture/music but I am not her demographic.
So after seeing her win AOTY I needed to see what all the fuss was about. I decided to listen to the album but to make it more fun for myself I predicted what I thought the songs would sound like based on song titles alone.
It should be noted that there are a few deluxe versions of the album but we are going with the standard issue one.
Lavender Haze
Prediction:
This song is probably about the sky. I honestly can’t discern based on the title alone but my mind gravitates to either the sky or weed and I don’t think Taylor is gonna be singing about weed. It’ll be mid tempo
Post Listen:
Okay this shit is kinda jamming. Am I a Swiftie? She cusses? I peeped the Phil Collins drum fill. This is really well produced. It might be about weed.
Maroon:
Prediction:
Don’t know what her thing is with songs with colors in the title but this will be a slowed down simmering song about the color of a person’s sweater.
Post Listen
It’s simmering. The hook cadence feels like chorus in Tamia’s So Into You after the bridge. This song is actually about things that are so red that they have turned maroon so I was kinda right. She also talks about being barefoot in a club which may or may not be a nod to Hurricane Chris.
Taylor cusses a lot.
Anti Hero:
Prediction:
I know I have heard this song before. Is this is the song that Ice Spice was on? She’s not listed on the album credits so I am guessing if so that’s a remix. I don’t love this song based on what I think I know about it
Post Listen:
Yeah this is the song that I have heard and don’t like.
Snow On The Beach feat Lana Del Ray:
Prediction:
I don’t like Lana Del Ray. I am assuming this will be some kinda brooding guitar heavy ballad thing. It will be about contradictions. I will hate it
Post Listen:
I hear guitars in the opening. It’s an interesting song. I don’t hate it. It doesn’t have any drums in it. She in her Griselda bag. There are some contradictory things in the lyrics. I was right. I can’t listen to this whole song tho.
You’re On Your Own Kid
Prediction:
This is going to be a break up song. I want it to be fun and poppy like Shake It Off but it will probably be slow brooding. Unless it’s about her abandoning her child which would be pretty wild.
Post Listen:
Uptempo! I got half of my wishes granted. This is about her being love lorn in any town America. I mean this can kinda be about child abandonment if you think about it hard enough. I am just gonna say that I was right about this one again.
Midnight Rain:
Prediction:
Kissing in the rain is a pretty classic trope so it’s safe to say that some kinda wet rainy kiss will happen here. Maybe it will be a spin on Cinderella of some sort. It should be slow though because we are almost at the halfway mark and no real slow songs have happened yet. Unless this is like her version of Renaissance.
Post Listen:
Futuristic white girl trap. This song is all about contradictions where she compares a guy to sunshine and herself to midnight rain. I guess this song is sexy? It feels like bath and body works.
Question…?
Prediction:
This one is going to be a bunch of questions like the song of the same name on Common’s LWFC. Bonus points if it’s produced by Questlove. It won’t be slow.
Post Listen:
Yeah this one was self explanatory. She is just asking questions. Mid tempo and it could be interesting but it’s kinda boring. This is very white.
Vigilante Shit
Prediction:
Did yall know that she cussed THIS much? Like parental advisory cussing. I mean as an adult woman I’m sure she uses profanity but she cussing like a rapper and it’s throwing me off. Does she cuss in interviews? I can honestly say I’ve never watched or read an interview so I don’t even know what her personality could be like.
At any rate this song will be about how she’s a bad ass and will key your car if you get her fucked up. I’m bracing for blaccent but it will probably just be run of the mill co-opted slang.
Post Listen:
I was mostly right. No blaccent but “I don’t start shit but I can tell you how it ends” feels co-opted in a way. Don’t ask me how. I honestly don’t mind this so much.
This feels like her version of a Billie Eilish song.
Bejeweled
Prediction:
This is a song about how much money she has. Or like a white version of Put A Ring On It. Maybe with some sort of ‘it shoulda been me’ angst to it. It will be slower than anything else we’ve heard.
Post Listen:
Okay I was kinda right. It’s angsty. She’s saying she got money. It’s not slow tho. It’s about her putting on her freak em dress.
I am sick of this album. Why did I commit myself to doing this?
Labyrinth
Prediction:
It’s gonna be a bout how live is like a maze or something. Or about how you are hard to figure out like a labyrinth. Or the movie Labyrinth.
Post Listen:
I have no idea what is going on. She’s scared of elevators and she’s facing in love several times. Now there is an airplane crashing. This song feels like what would happen if Lululemon commissioned a remake of the Life Of Pablo. She just said lost in the labyrinth of my mind. Okay yup. I was right.
Karma
Prediction:
Wait was this the song Ice Spice was supposed to be on? Okay now I’m confused. Well she ain’t on this version. The song is about how you’ll have bad luck if you fuck her over.
Post Listen:
Yeah this is the Ice Spice song. I remember this hook. It sounds like nonsense and I feel like I’m in a Sephora.
Sweet Nothing
Prediction:
Two more songs to go and in my haste to get this exercise done I hit play before my prediction was made. I hear a Rhodes so I am gong to say I hope it’s soulful but LOL. This song will be about how the guy she’s into doesn’t do anything sweet which is an ironic twist on what sweet nothings are supposed to be.
Post Listen:
I can hear this song in a movie. I don’t hate this. I actually kinda like it. I’m a sucker for the Rhodes and it’s analog buzzing. I’m not mad at the harmonies either. I’d honestly listen to this song again by choice.
Mastermind
Prediction:
Okay last song. I’ve been mostly right or at least I feel like I have. On this one she’s gonna talk about how smart she is and how the industry can’t break her. This is the Scooter Braun diss song.
Post Listen:
Chess not checkers. She’s saying she gets what she wants but it’s about love and not business. She is basically saying that think you choosing but she the one who chose.
Overall:
Album of the year this is not and I wasn’t missing out on much.
I don’t like how she sings in cursive, don’t love the production style and overall am not a fan of her voice. I know that’s basically the entire musical experience but I like my pop on the brighter side. Like Dua Lipa or something.
All of the cussing made it feel fake edgy. Like stealing from a Starbucks or pretending you know someone to cut in front of a long line. I guess when the only stake is losing popularity you can’t really be edgy.
This experience was kinda fun tho and I might have to do it again.
If you made it through to the end thank you for sitting through that. As a reward here is a photo of the last supper but with rap artists at the table.
Happy black history month!
I love the prediction / post-listen format. "She's in her Griselda bag" killed me lol
I am not a Swiftie but I'm not mad at Taylor. This was a hilarious review. I don't plan on listening to the album, hearing some of the songs come on the radio is bad enough. But I respect her game. Happy black history month!