I listened to Ariana Grande's album so you don't have to.

Another record review that no one asked for.

As always there are some new releases over in the Rec’s N Effect section. I don’t have any shows this week but I’ll be on Twitch this Wednesday from 2-4 PM EST. That’s it!

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A few weeks ago there was one really big release that totally flew by me. Ariana Grande’s new album finally dropped. I say finally because I am assuming that it’s been like 5 years since her last one and there are a bunch of Demi Grande’s out there waiting for the Venti Grande to release some new music.

I do know that she was on a Nickelodeon show called Victorious but aside from that I don’t know much about her. to be honest. I am also aware that she dated Mac Miller and Pete Davidson because social media also doubles as a celebrity relationship tracker and we are all unwilling thirds in their affairs.

Not to bring up old shit but any time her name comes up I can’t help but think that time she got caught licking donuts.

That video is so weird for so many reasons but ‘I need a donut professional’ is pretty damn funny. Apparently she ended up releasing two apology videos (because the first one wasn’t good enough?) and ultimately dubbed it a ‘donut fiasco’ which definitely sounds better than ‘licking/spitting on donuts’ or whatever the hell happened.

All of this happened about 8 years ago and now she’s moved on from releasing apology videos to releasing an album titled ‘eternal sunshine’. It’s a short suite of songs clocking in at 35 minutes and there is also ‘slightly deluxe’ version with about 4 extra songs. None of the song titles are capitalized and apparently this is her thing in the same way that crammingwordstogether is Musiq Soulchild’s thing.

I’m assuming that this will be mostly about her dating life. I had to Google to see who she is currently dating and it looks to be some dude named Ethan Slater. I skimmed the articles and gleaned that he was her co-star in Wicked and also played Spongebob Squarepants in the Spongebob Squarepants musical.

Aside from that I have no idea who he is and will subsequently forget his name after I publish this. I only have so much space on my mental hard drive and I’d prefer to use it for something else but based on seeing how untatted and wholesome he looks their relationship only further confirms my theory that she is firmly in her white girl era. By that I mean she is easing up on the blackfishing and racebending to fully reclaim her whiteness. I personally enjoy when appropriating whites go back home. I hope I live to see the day that Nkechi Diallo Rachel Dolezal resumes her whiteness but until that day comes I’ll take what I can get.

I have definitely enjoyed a few Ariana Grande songs and I think her new single is jamming. She can sing well enough for me

With that said let’s get into guessing what this album sounds like.

I don’t understand the cover art for this album. Is it about the tattoo on her neck? Is it about her ponytail? Is it about women learning on other women for support? Is it about her turning her back on the other black white girls who were blackfishing along with her? I don’t know but maybe more will be revealed once i start listening.

i’m going to write this in lower case to respect her artistry

intro (end of the world)

Prediction:
i feel like this is an optimistic ‘song’ about a break up. it’s probably some interview footage of her talking and then she sings a refrain or something.

Post Listen:
yup. optimistic breakup song. i don’t hate it. but i told you i kinda like her music.

bye

Prediction:
i want this to. be a slow song but i don’t think she a record label would let an artist front load an album with a slow song in 2024. maybe i’m wrong. i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say the song is about saying bye to a bad relationship. It will be mid tempo

Post Listen:
of course it’s uptempo. it’s a very happy breakup song. it feels like being in side of a pinkberry against your will. bonus points for the song having a bridge. the hook wants to be sticky very bad.

don’t wanna break up again

Prediction:
these song titles are way too straight forward. i need a curve ball. i have a feeling that this is uptempo too. that last one was very sex & the city closing credits so i am imagining this to be more subdued but still happy.

Post Listen:
okay. yeah a subdued mid tempo album cut. it has a cool bridge but max martin did it and he knows how to make music. not gonna say this song is boring but it is not exciting.

Saturn Returns Interlude

Prediction:
this is the only song title in all caps so maybe there is a big clue to the album in here. I also don’t think the album is mysterious enough to require big clues. it will be some sort song about astrology.

Post Listen:
there was no singing. just a woman talking about saturn cycles and how you gotta get your shit together when you turn 29. this is reminding me of how annoyed i get when people in their early 30s talk about how ‘old’ they are.

eternal sunshine

Prediction:
the title cut is a big deal and since the concept of this album seems to be breakups and ponytails i’m gonna say that this song is about how important it is to love yourself. based on that interlude i think it’s gonna be kinda sultry but it will probably be uptempo because beyonce didn’t put any slow songs on renaissance.

Post Listen:
very trap. she hopped back in the spray tanner for this one. a small part of me was hoping that jay electronica would pop up on this. i don’t like this song that much and the line ‘i let you play me like atari’ isn’t helping.

supernatural

Prediction:
this is gonna be a song about how good the sex was. either that or it’s about how she has the supernatural power to find terrible partners

Post Listen:
from what i can tell it’s about fucking falling in love and then fucking. shockingly enough it’s a semi-subtle sex song which is pretty rare these days. it sounds determined and lighthearted.

true story

Prediction:
the title of this song feels too slang heavy for it not to be some sort of rap leaning shit. she is gonna tell us how real she keeps it.

Post Listen:
i did not expect timbaland cosplay but i guess his stutter drums are not off limits. it’s so weird hearing people program drums in the style that he popularized. this feels like she is laundering her blackfishing through max martin

the boy is mine

Prediction:
i think i spoiled this for myself during my google search to see who she was dating but i feel like this song is about how she basically broke up a marriage to end up in this current relationship. naming your song after a song that is synonymous with brandy and monica is bold but gentrification don’t respect landmarks

Post Listen:
what in the dj mustard is goin on here? i really spoke too soon about that white girl era stuff because it’s gettin real black and real fast. this could have easily been a chris brown song with a yg feature or a blxst song or something.

yes, and?

I already heard this song before and it is jamming but the video is kinda weird.

EDITOR’S NOTE: I went to sleep and resumed this like 2 days later. I have been dreading finishing this. It’s not as fun as Taylor’s was because it’s so ‘okay’. It’s not polarizing in a good or bad way like I wanted it to be. I need excellent or awful and this is neither one of those things. Thankfully it’s short.

we can’t be friends (wait for your love)

Prediction: this is clearly about an ex but based on the the title maybe she is saying they can’t be friends but she will wait for him to come around? there are only four songs left so if she’s gonna go slow it has to happen soon but based on the length of the album i’m guessing this wont be it. let’s split the difference and call it midtempo

Post Listen: it’s not slow and it’s not jamming. i think this is the first song i have absolutely not enjoyed on this album. lyrically it does whatever her songs always do but the beat is not enjoyable at all for me. this song sounds like if ai made a lady gaga song.

i was spot on with my assessment of the content tho.

i wish i hated you

Prediction: i mean pretty self explanatory on the subject matter but i’m guessing this will be the same uptempo dancey vibe. i honestly don’t remember what the beginning of the album was like and do not want to go remind myself either. it’s not a bad album it’s just boring in a special way that walls off a casual fan.

Post Listen: this sounds like one of those music boxes where the ballerina spins around when you wind it up. there is a cool cadence here and her voice fits this atmosphere. it’s slow and there are no drums anywhere in sight. i am bored.

imperfect for you

Prediction: based on the title she is now blaming herself for the bad relationship. based on the sequencing this should be slow. unless the song is about judging the person this imaginary dude is with. i wish it wasn’t about romantic love.

Post Listen: is this a country song? it’s got that vibe. the hook does a very strange key change. it's almost disorienting. get me out of here.

ordinary things (feat Nonna)

Prediction: her titles are not abstract enough and i knew this was gonna be the challenge but i was like let’s do this anyway. also for a second i thought that the feature was noname LMAOOOOOO

at any rate this will be mid tempo and optimistic with a focus on the little things that make love special or something.

Post Listen: this song is well produced, well sung and boring. i am interested in finding out who nonna is but i am not enjoying this. oh nonna is one of her family members who left a voice note about how to keep a relationship healthy. that is a far stretch from noname.

IN CONCLUSION

this album is probably good if you’re into her music. I wouldn’t know. I’m just happy it’s over.

EDITORS NOTE: it’s been almost a week since I played this album and I don’t remember a single song other than the one that sounded like dj mustard. do with that what you will.